Integration of Grief

Sometimes people wonder what grief is like almost four years in. While all of us experience grief in our own unique ways, perhaps my experience will strike a chord in some way. I think about Hope every single day. Do I cry when I think about her? Many times. Do I feel warm and fuzzy when I think about her? Always. Is it painful to think about her? It depends. Am I glad to remember her? Always, always, always!

And then there are the days that that crazy, indescribable heart/gut pain steals my breath away. It feels like the most desperate need in the world. Desperate for Hope. And you know when it happens the most? On anniversaries, even when I’m not aware of the anniversary. On Sunday, which happened to be the 15th (Hope died on the 15th), this feeling came over me as I was getting ready for bed. I can’t even describe how desperately I wanted Hope in that moment. I was somewhat surprised by the intensity of my emotions. It didn’t dawn on me until the next day that even if the anniversary wasn’t on my mind, my body usually doesn’t forget, so I ought not to be surprised. Thankfully, all moments and memories are no longer as intense as they once were when I was early in grief. But they still come on occasion.

In our grief training, we’ve learned the idea to integrate grief into our lives which is the ability to live our lives holding onto the love we have for our loved one and simultaneously living in the pain of their loss. It’s not easy. It takes some effort to keep living, to find joy, to dream about happiness again and actually live in it. But for me, I’ve found it to be the key to live in this grief and to honor Hope. Painful moments come and I will be sad about Hope, maybe even intensely so. And yet I can now see, this far out, that joy and happiness are possible and even desirable as I live to love and honor my daughter.